I realized today that when you try to make someone else feel better, your own hurt and pain just becomes forgotten. Which might seem like it’s good but really it isn’t. It’s like a residue which still remains. It becomes insignificant and unimportant. But it’s like sediment which then begins to build up. And you feel mucky. You can’t let go of it. It’s like a bog, and you start sinking. Slowly.

At Flury's

The other day I was at Flury’s, having breakfast, and looking out of their wide glass windows [it covers one whole wall actually], and I watched an assortment of people pass by. As it happens to be one of the busiest crossings of the city there was every sort of person I could think of – workers, students, travelers, beggars, people who passed by giving haughty looks from their expensive cars et all. And one would think looking at this multitude of people I’d be humbled. Most writers write about how they’re humbled before the diversity of humanity. But I just wasn’t. I didn’t feel unimportant at all. I can’t explain it. I felt my life mattered just as much. It feels good to feel significant. I really didn’t feel like a petty pawn. I wonder why.

* Isn't the cake, amazing? To know more about it click here.

Murdered, with it's life drained and gone...

*All photographs have been taken on a Cannon PowerShot A85 4.0 Mega Pixel digital camera.

I feel the comfortable numbness of my fingers,
As I softly touch the skin on my cold pale cheeks,
Wet recently by warm, salty tears.

I hear you laugh, and you’re happy.
I claw you down
And you cry for the pain I feel.

You suffer for my foolish, irrational ways.
I don’t know how I controlled you
I’ve snatched your laughter away.

With every mistake I surely must be learning,
But I look at the world and I notice it’s turning
And you’re still standing here chained to me.

I don’t know how no one told you for whom to unfold your love.
I don’t know how you were diverted,
You were inverted and no one alerted you.

I look at you now
I see the laughter that is sleeping,
And it’s why I’m still weeping.

Seed

A little black seed,
Buried itself deep within
The folds of my chest.

Loathsome convention
Has shriveled and festered it
Utterly within.

With stretched black branches
It still grows sinisterly,
Flowering in me.

*21^st December ’05, 10:50 pm.

Mykonos, whitewashed forms, a labyrinth of lanes, a play of shadow and light.
Ruckus laughter, cool minty tea, dice and warm salty Mediterranean breeze,
I sit in the shade breathing the heavy scent from the rainbow coloured shop near my own.
A jest at my expense,
And I shift to make myself comfortable in a plush old armchair.
As I turn,
I see her hasten past my shop
Her head lifts to meet my gaze – for a moment.

Her eyes drop,
Covering her head she hastens on with hushed air.
I return to ruckus laughter, cool minty tea, dice and warm salty Mediterranean breeze.
Changed.

As the thoughts flow unbidden through my mind,
I catch a glimpse of your eyes looking into mine –
Of what could have been.
And then it passes me by,
And I think of someone else instead.

It was never meant to be…
I smile,
And it becomes a fleeting memory.

Flame

Well this was my second attempt at an optimistic poem and although it’s quite optimistic in the end, it’s rather depressive at the start. I just seem to be jinxed with optimistic poems don’t I?

And it’s just another day,
And I feel lost, and lonely
In some way hollow and empty
I know I want to be whole
I know my mind searches;
For that sparkling jewel that few find
Glittering somewhere in the dimness of that lone candlelight;
For, that pink hued rose
That blossoms in the warm dewy springs,
And the fragrance of life that it brings.

Everyday is just like the other
Nothing fulfilling to show of my day,
Nothing spirited ever to say,
No joyful memory,
To which my mind can stray;
And no enduring happiness ever to stay.

I’m beginning to hate
Hate everything
But I don’t hate me
Or maybe I do.
A feeling of suffocation and disgust,
Suffocation that cankers, rots and reeks.

I feel caught and trapped and caged,
Mired by the endless questions
Lost in confusion,
Weakened by helplessness,
And overwhelmed by a sense of senselessness.

And then in the silence of solitude
Of dark hours
And many sleepless nights
And thoughts too many to bear
And conflicts too painful to share
A small understanding dawned,
A light arose from the dying seas
And a flickering flame was given to me.

And many times since then,
It has burned bright,
Or flickered weakly
And even died at night.
But I made myself kindle it again,
And I toil to keep it alive,
My life has meaning,
And now I am alive.

Down memeory lane

Sauntering down memory lane,
I sighed.
I’m at war with myself,
No one replied.

It’s the end of the road,
I need to sort these feelings inside,
I need to understand this game.
Standing naked and alone
I rake those thoughts of mine
A smile flits across my face, remembering everything we shared,
Then, we both cared.

But then one day,
At a random jest of mine,
I was slandered,
My meaning mistook.
I was offended and hurt,
But did you care?
So blinded were you, my thoughts you wouldn’t share.
I tried to explain,
But you only looked upon me with disdain.
Instead you wanted me to apologize,
But what about my sentiments?
What about those rents?

I promised to be there every time you needed me,
And always will be,
But for you I will not lower myself and crawl,
I’m not yet that small.

I’m not jealous,
Not matter what you think.
For I can’t love you so much
To feel such bitterness towards another whom you do.

I’m not your cur at your beck and call,
For I believe in what I stand for,
And will not fall.
It is only you whom you deceive
If you think in time I’ll crumble,
I’m more willful than you think
And I will not sink.
It is that hard for me to debase myself
I’ll never be able to look at my mirror again,
And you’re not worth that.

That’s all there is to it,
There is no more.
I’d rather say goodbye,
Than tell myself a lie.